Friday, November 23, 2007

Belated Thanks

I am hungover and didn't got to bed until 6amish. I threw out my back lifting the giant turkey in and out of the oven. It was an awesome night.

So things I am thankful for:

1) I have the awesomest kid on the planet.

2) I have really cool friends

3) 20-something year old boys. It was 2 young guys who stayed to clean up and watch Shaolin Soccer (and one of them who gave me -uhm 3 or 4 helpings of "dessert". Actual line spoken last night "How about the guest bathroom, every time I brace myself on the counter I land in turkey juice")

4) Chess pie. It's like sugar in a creamy sugar filling with a sugar crust.

5) My friend Dave's vegan zucchini bread. OH MY GOD! I have never had anything so delicious and it was vegan and gluten free. I have no idea how he did it.

6) Deviled eggs. I made 18 eggs, they were gone in under 10 minutes.

7) Spanish wine. we had a lovely Spanish rose, but it was the Cava that people were throwing down for to get a glass.

8) Singing with friends and family. I got a Woockie seranade of "You are so beautiful to me", the Kid and I sang several rounds of " The sun is a mass of incandescent gas" and the Naughty Proff dedicated "Fat bottomed girls" to Ms. J and I (Though Ms. J has the superior ghetto bootay)

9) Advil, advil, advil

10) Boys who will do a finger puppet reenactment of the Medici's fight against Savonarola with me while arguing about how to pronounce Medici. I say it's med-I-chi, he says it's MED-i- chi

Thursday, November 22, 2007

We now interupt our regularly scheduled program

The turkey is bathing in a liter of wine and butter
the green beans are blanched
the cranberries are sauced
the portabellos are marinating
the salad dressing is made, though the salad is not

I still have to make the stuffing, eggs, potatoes, yams. Finish the beans, mushrooms and salad. I also have to do laundry, beat the Kid into vacuuming, and misc other cleaning stuff.

And because a former stable boy (hot, brilliant and 10 years younger than me) has just come back into town and is coming tonight I need to bathe, shave my legs, change my sheets and clean my room and my bathroom. The turkey may not be the only thing getting stuffed tonight. Meow.

Who would play you?

Shakesville had a post up the other day about "who would play you in the Shakesville movie?"

My ex, Mephistopheles, said I was Karen Walker minus the rich husband. Let's see:

Funny Voice- check
Fabulous rack- check
Love of Vodka: check
Desire to serve a party mix of uppers, downers and candy corn at social events: check
Cruel wit: check
Prone to grabbing people in inappropriate places (both location and body parts): check
Likely to say something that will make you guffaw in social situations: Check

So I guess Megan Mullally (only 10 years younger and with longer hair) would play me.

Who would play you in a movie?

Spreading the joy

My house smells like roasted garlic and cherry pie.


Favorite pet story ever

I was telling my dear friend, Rosa Limon Sobrosa, about my little furry creature named Ruby dream and how Ruby was a rabbit but not a rabbit.

Turns out that Rosa had a rabbit named Ruby once long ago. Ruby was very sweet to Rosa, but not so much to Rosa's boyfriend. Did you know that bunnies can scream? Apparently they can and they are just as territorial as cats. If they don't like you, they will pee on your stuff. Also, bunnies can sometimes suffer from false pregnancies during which they will tear their own hair out to make a little bunny nest for their non-existent babies. Rudy did this once and Rosa came home to find that under the covers of her bed as a gory scene of ribbed out bunny hair. She thought her dog had made Ruby into lunch.

So Rosa loved her bunny and her boy. The bunny loved her Rosa but not the boy. The bunny peed on the boy's clothes whenever she got the chance. The boy, being a human and all, regularly had to poop. Whenever he pooped at Rosa's house, Ruby the bunny would follow him into the bathroom and then start to bunny scream at him while he was trying to take a crap. Ruby would yell and stomp her hind bunny legs while the poor boy was trying to drop the kids off at the pool. And when he was good and vulnerable, with briefs around his ankles and in mid-poop, Ruby would attack the boy. He often came away with Ruby inflicted scratches. Ruby's reign of torment finally ceased when the boy screamed for Rosa while on the can so he could prove just how much the bunny had it in for him. Rosa loved them both, but in the end only the boy was giving Rosa hot sex, so the bunny had to go.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

But what about the baybeezzz

I have some lovely, well meaning, liberal, environmentalist friends who every now and then start bitching about population control. Whenever I hear population control I hear a dog whistle for "Why do poor brown women keep popping out babies they can't afford" because if these well meaning liberals were really serious about population control they would get vasectomies at puberty.

The thing is, I understand carrying capacity and what happens when a society exceeds carrying capacity (either there is war which decreases the number of people in a system, a new technology has to be invented to change the carrying capacity, or the civilization collapses). I get that we are looking at a future where oil has or is about to peak and global warming is going to have serious effects on food production and water resources (just look at the current drought in the south east ). But what does not work to keep populations from booming is hand wringing by imperialist countries over exploding populations in India and China. Shaming women for doing one of the few things that they are ever given any credit for in misogynist societies doesn't work. Limiting assistance funds so that more people will starve or die of disease doesn't work. Hell, even China's one child per family program hasn't worked at keeping fewer children from being born. It just lead to girl babies being abandoned in favor of boy babies.

What works (and works VERY quickly- within one generation usually) is to give women access to education and economic opportunities. Women who have opportunities to do something other than being a mother will choose those options and women who choose to have children and an education will have fewer children. Period. No hand wringing. No guilt. Just education and economic opportunities. It's very simple.

And while you're thinking about all those "women having babies they can't afford" maybe you should take a look at these numbers. The situation may not be as dire as the hand wringers suggest.

Don't read this if you're eating

Or about to eat, or have ever considered eating, or you've eaten at all since you were born. Also you may not want to read this at work as the loud and hysterical laughter coming from your cube will let your boss in on the secret that you really don't do anything productive at work.

So if you are an anorexic, unemployed layabout- go read this right now

hat tip to Brave Sir Robin

Fun with internet quizes

Lets101 Quizzes - Quizzes For Fun

And one more

Lets101 - Free Dating Network

The TeeVee is Edumacational

This picture has nothing to do with TV or Ancient Greece. I just wanted an excuse to post a picture I took of Mayan penis sculpture.

What I learned while watching PBS

In ancient Athens, men were required to hold a pair of freshly cut and still bloody animal testes while speaking in court. That is the origin of the word "testify".

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Global Warming- Do Not Want

funny pictures

The Patriarchy hurts men too

As per the comment policy, idiotic comments will become fodder for for future blog posts.

From someone who calls himself "Laughing" and found us via a google search for the phrase "i really hate women" comes a comment on a post written by DeeK (who is most decidedly a dude)

I think I'm going to do this one up Heartless Bitches style. My critiques of the comment will be in bold. Here we go.

This is funny. You think sexism is one way? Why do men hate women? Because women hate men that's why.

Wow- right from the beginning we get circular logic and a misunderstanding of how most isms function. Sexism, like racism is the product of a society where one set of people is given unearned privilege over another. In order to maintain the cognitive dissonance that unearned privilege creates tools are used to other the unprivileged section of society. That might be too deep for Laughing though. I suggest a quick look at the Feminism 101 site.

it is because men can not dress up like women or even share an emotion without being degraded for it.

Actually, that is a condition set up by men. The patriarchy is what makes men seem weak for acting like women by showing emotion or dressing up (that's a new one I must admit. I have never heard a guy whine about how he's not required to wear back breaking shoes and pantyhose before)

It is because of women who stand overhead and judge men on a constant basis.

Which is funny because actual judges are overwhelmingly male (Hello Supreme Court!) And the standing overhead part, are we women growing super tall or is there a vicious cadre of judgmental feminist stilt walkers that I don't know about?

It is for the women who raped me as a boy who to this very day go on teaching in the school system. All, because no one will even acknowledge that boys can even be hurt.

Rape is a very serious problem, but 70 percent of all rapes are committed by men. It is very sad that you were victimized. Feminists acknowledge that men can be raped too, but it is our current patriarchal system that makes female on male rape go unpunished. Boys who are raped by women are treated as if they have made a great sexual conquest instead of having been assaulted. Women didn't set up that construct, but feminists are the only o
nes working to make enthusiastic consent a requirement for sex. To us, everything else is rape.

It is because society shows women kicking men in the groin and its supposed to be something funny. To destroy our malehood, our babies.

Right, and violence against women is never treated as a laughing matter.

Strike us in the core of our being. yet, society has miseducated generations of males and females that women dont even feel pain, much less even get hurt anywhere.

Actually, we have about a thousand years of describing women as the "weaker sex". Women are taught from the time they are little to watch out for all those big strong men in the world who will hurt you and that if you're not careful enough in how you act, dress, where you go and what you do then being hurt by those men will be your own damn fault.

We have countless films depicting men being slaughtered in every conceivable way. Yet, not one woman is ever showing truly suffering. Male life is cheap but women are worth a ton of gold.

Films are for the most part fiction. In real life, women and children are the overwhelming victims of war. Soldiers get the glory, but civilians are the casualty.

Men are shown sex 24 hours a day then told that they are inferior because they dont want it. We are told that women want it all of the time and have triple O's and so one and so on and we best keep up.

Really, cause what most people are taught is that women don't really like sex, they just use it as a bargaining chip to get what they want. When a woman shows signs of sexual agency (or shows that she wants pleasure for pleasure's sake) she is treated like a slut and a whore. Men are treated like they are some kind of unthinking sex animals who only don't go around raping everyone in sight because women act as gatekeepers to the almighty pussy. Feminists want men and women to be able to have sex and orgasms when they want and to NOT have sex when they don't want.

But then it doesnt matter cause most women would much rather have sex with each other so whats the point of man's existence?

Really, there's that many lesbians in the world? And all this time I thought my straight girlfriends really just wanted to be friends with me. I didn't know that they were all desperate to get in my pants.

in the mind of a young boy all of this grows into hatred. An hatred of women because women are the ones who allow it to hurt their sons.

As an actual mother who is raising a feminist boy who both loves women and is loved by women- I think you are one seriously fucked up piece of shit.

Women are the ones who boast about how much money they make and how many degrees they have. They are the ones who "follow the rules" and take jobs away from men because they are more obedient.

Women have to get degrees because there are not any options for an uneducated woman to have a middle class career, where men do have that option. However, women still make less money than men, regardless of the degrees they hold.

And in ANY job, part of the deal is that you get paid for doing what you're told to do. If you got paid for doing whatever the hell you wanted and didn't have to follow someone else's rules- you would live in backwards land. That is why it is called work and not happy fun time.

which i nthe eyes of any true man is a sign of weakness. men hate women becaus etheir mothers abused them. there is no one else to take the blame any more. the dad is gone. Abuse starts at home and it is the mother who allows or creates it. men's hatred of women is a hatred of his mother for bringing him into a world where he doesnt have the right to be a human being.

At this point I am going to suggest a long run of psychiatric care should be in your future. You are obviously projecting a ton of your issues onto every single woman in the world.

The scar on my arm put there by a woman who abused me as a child is a sign that I will carry for the rest of my life. Of the hate and evil done to me by all women. I hate them because they hate me. And like any living being who has been done wrong never again shall a being trust that which has caused the most pain.

See above. You obviously have access to the internet- I suggest googling the phrase "mental health professionals" and your city name.

Jews hate the germans for what they did even to this day. men hate women for what they have done. All because women wont admit that they are wrong. the day when a female rapsit is treated with the same contempt as a man. Then the World will change. until then, men will never trust women and will forever hate them until the end of time. Inside of every angry man is the heart of a broken boy bleeding and crying to an uncaring world. And it was women who give him his first tears. It will never end.

Ah yes, it will be known as the Second Halocaust in the future when history books reflect how women secretly controlled the world through lower pay and higher rates of victimization by rape and domestic violence. It will be shown that women secretly met in dark underground caverns to discuss how best to abuse our sons by forcing men into positions of power.

That knock on your door, it's probably the men in the white coats coming to take you too a padded room somewhere. You've figured out our secret plan and now you must be "re-educated" before you spoil the fun for us.

WTF is up with this reading list

Kid just brought home a list of classic novels from which he must choose one to read and report on. The list is fine, though there is no Thomas Hardy and the only George Eliot book they have listed is Silas Marner. In order to avoid the "OMG what are you recommending my children read" section of over-reacting parents, books with stars are "more sophisticated- in either content or concept" and require parental approval.

My problem is what books they think are sophisticated. Here's a sample:

Jane Austen: Pride and Prejudice
Emily Bronte: Wuthering Heights
Charlotte Bronte: Jane Eyre
Kate Chopin: The Awakening

Let's see, we have Austen doing what she does best by describing the marriage market in late 18th century England. There is no sex or violence anywhere in the book. There is not even a kiss if I remember correctly.

Wuthering Heights: Jealousy, revenge and brutality are the basis for this novel which reinforces the idea that a woman can drive a man to violence. (I should note that I am not a fan of either Wuthering Heights or Jane Eyre- I prefer Austen, Hardy and Dickens for that matter).

Jane Eyre: The classic "slutty women lose their mind and get locked in attics" scenario.

The Awakening: married woman is bored with her stifling life, leaves husband and children, has affairs, commits suicide.

Guess which book is marked as more sophisticated?

If you guessed Pride and Prejudice you would get a great big old sack of gold stars. So a novel where women act as rational creatures in choosing whom to marry is more sophisticated than three novels where women who act outside of societal norms get punished for their behavior.

Yes, I can see how the idea of women acting rationally in their own best interest is a concept that might be too sophisticated for 7th graders, since we rarely give them the idea through media that women are in fact rational actors in their own lives.

Because I own one, or how reclamation works

When I was working at my temp corporate whore position this summer, I worked with a guy who could be considered the classic definition of cockswagger. I've worked in a lot of male dominated environments and have, more often than not, been the only woman in a group of male employees. So I have gotten pretty good at subversive tactics in mind-changing.

So Mr. Cockswagger, Ms. Still Young Enough to Believe That Secretaries Can Become The Boss and I were having lunch one day when Cockswagger called some guy a cunt.

Ms. SYEtBTSCBTB: You can't say that!

Cockswagger: Say what?

Me: You can't call someone a cunt

Cockswagger: You just said it.

Me: I own a cunt, I can say it all I want. If you don't own one or you aren't one, you can't use the word.

Cockswagger: Well I own one too

Me: I dare you to call your wife right now and tell her you just said that.

Next day

Cockswagger: I talked to my wife about our conversation yesterday.

Me: And...

Cockswagger:(dejectedly) I don't get to use the C-word.

And there you have it. That is why can call myself a bitch. That is why I can say cunt till I'm blue in the face. That is why it's not racist when black people use the n-word or gay guys use the term fag.

It is also why calling someone a pussy is not an okay insult. Pussy is usually a term that men use to call other men weak. Except when you think about it, a pussy is probably one of the toughest body parts nature created. If you could spend 18 hours working to get a tennis ball to come out of your nostril, you are going to think of your nostril as the most amazing thing ever. Men use the term pussy to mean weakness because it means that a man is acting like a woman. I think it's time we reclaim the word.

Instead of asking if someone has the balls to do something, I think I shall wonder "If he's got the pussy to pull it off". I may even retire the "ovaries of steel" line in favor of " toughest pussy in the world". When I see a woman do something brave or courageous, I will say that she has a "lead lined pussy" or maybe that she's so strong her pussy could could give birth to an entire high school band, instruments and all.

Monday, November 19, 2007

My Sense of Humor Sounds Like A Nice White Zinfandel

But Seriously... ASHTON KUTCHER?

Your Score: the Prankster

(23% dark, 30% spontaneous, 15% vulgar)

your humor style:

Your humor has an intellectual, even conceptual slant to it. You're not pretentious, but you're not into what some would call 'low humor' either. You'll laugh at a good dirty joke, but you definitely prefer something clever to something moist.

You probably like well-thought-out pranks and/or spoofs and it's highly likely you've tried one of these things yourself. In a lot of ways, yours is the most entertaining type of humor because it's smart without being mean-spirited.

PEOPLE LIKE YOU: Conan O'Brian - Ashton Kutcher

The 3-Variable Funny Test!

- it rules -

If you're interested, try my best friend's best test:
The Genghis Khan Genetic Fitness Masterpiece

Link: The 3 Variable Funny Test written by jason_bateman on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

Green beans are the new creamed corn

We are poor. Not just kinda struggling from paycheck to paycheck, but either eat or pay rent poor.

I have enough education to understand all the societal reasons for poverty and how inevitable it is, but not enough education to really pull us out of it. So we get by as best we can from crisis to crisis with occasional help from well meaning charity things.

I have learned that when it comes to charity, sometimes it really is kindness and sometimes it is a way to dump unwanted stuff on the poor while creating a warm feeling of generosity for the givers. One Christmas I got a $200 gift card to Toys R Us that covered not just the Kid's Christmas presents but his birthday presents in March too. Another year I got a pile of stained fabric scraps and a dirty winter coat that was 3 sizes too small for the Kid.

The Kid is in a weird spot at school. He is one of the only poor kids in the gifted program, so when it comes time for the annual feel good duties- we're the top family on the list. This week the Kid came home with a $25 gift card to Safeway (super helpful) and a bag of canned goods.

The canned goods included a can of fruit cocktail, a can of corn, two boxes of mac and cheese and 8, yes 8 cans of green beans. I guess they can live in the cupboard with the remaining cans of refried beans we got from last years canned food dump. I think there are still 4 cans left. If the end times come- does anyone know a campfire recipe for a mixture of green beans and refried beans or should we try to maintain some level of civilization and eat them in separate courses?

Sunday, November 18, 2007

My new favorite word of the day: Couretsy of CEFAD


Another term for "Nice Guy(TM)"

Reminds me of someone who was fond of reminding me how good he was to me. I finally told him to quit telling me how well he treated me, I know if I'm being treated well.

I wasn't.

thanks, Jezebel.

Party on dudes!

I throw two big parties every year. One is my birthday, which after years of having at my house (where I- as birthday girl had to spend way too much time cooking and cleaning) is now held at a karaoke bar so that my friends can buy me copious amounts of alcohol and dedicate silly songs in my honor. The other is Thanksgiving.

I really want to do Thanksgiving this year, and I am going to give it my best shot though I haven't been my normal social self lately (I blame drugs!). Last year there were more than 17 people in my tiny apartment. People were sprawled on the floor indulging in yumminess and booze. This year there may not be as many people, but I am whipping out my chef's knife and the section of my recipe binder (The Red Hot Mama's Book of Good Eats) labeled "Thanksgiving- The Good". There is also a section labeled "Thanksgiving - The Bad and The Ugly" to remind me of what recipes have gone horribly bad- like the butternut squash soup where the squash tried to reconstitute itself in the manner of the evil liquid metal robot in Terminator 2 or 3 (I can't remember which).

So here is the list of standards that I use:

Turkey cooked in a liter of wine and butter (I usually do a 22- 24 pounder)

Cornbread stuffing with sausage and walnuts

Mashed potatoes with roast garlic and dill

Smokey green beans almondine

Cranberry sauce with apricots and ginger

Whipped sweet potatoes

Spinach and pear salad with raspberry vinaigrette

And this year- deviled eggs. I am always a little embarrassed at my love of deviled eggs, they seem so retro 50's housewife and not at all gourmet. But after attending a barbecue this summer where I watched a bunch of hipster musicians suck down deviled eggs like their grungy predecessors sucked down heroine, I am no longer ashamed to serve them to girls with asymmetric hair cuts and boys in tiny girl pants.

I also think I am going to do grilled portabellos for the vegans main dish this year. They are terribly easy and can get popped into the broiler while the turkey is resting.

We eat like civilized people- dinner is generally 7 or 8 pm. None of this eating at 2 in the afternoon for us. And since I don't generally make desserts, that I what my guests bring. Thanksgiving goes on until the wee hours of the morning with much wine and music and good friends.

So friends out there too far away to join us here- what are you doing for Carb-fest 07?