Saturday, August 23, 2008


Obama picks old white dude as Veep.

Oh wait. Not a surprise really.

In other news that isn't really news- water is wet.

I have lost as much hope for the politics and politicians of this country as I have for my personal economic well being.

Wake me in 2012.

The Problem With Lost Belief

8 years ago, in the middle of my first major depression/ agoraphobia episode, I figured out that God has very little to do with how events play out in the world. I had spent my early 20s doing everything i could possibly do to be good. I worked impossible hours at 3 different jobs. I gave up friends my own age because I was a mommy, and fun wasn't something mommies were supposed to have. I lived a miserable small existence hoping my sacrifices were enough to spare us from the horrors of poverty.

Fat lot of good that did. And as the failures kept piling up, I found it harder and harder to understand why God hated me so much. I was near suicidal. But back then I still believed there was a better place somewhere. Thoughts about slicing my wrists open were almost comforting. I had elaborate suicide fantasies concocted in my head. In the end, it was the Kid that kept me from following through. I knew that if i were gone he would always be a bit more broken inside than if i was there.

Now I am in the same dark place. But this time there is a bit of a difference. I gave up on my Santa Claus ideas about god. There is no jolly fat man in the sky who doles out rewards to good children and poverty to bad ones. I keep trying to remember that this is cyclical, that it will get better eventually. The problem is that it doesn't have to get better and there is a 100 percent chance that it is about to get much much worse. Just like those other things we tell ourselves that aren't actually true. There is no perfect person for everyone, people don't get what they deserve. There is no secret divine plan or purpose for everyone. Not everything happens for a reason. Things don't always get better. And sometimes they don't get better fast enough.

But with this elimination of fairy tale beliefs came one other problem. I can't think of suicide as a way out. I suppose this is actually a good thing, but it really is adding to the hopelessness right now. If there is nothing on the other side of death, then suicide becomes much less appealing. So I am stuck in this place with no out. I either get horrible awfulness that may or may not improve or I get nothingness for all eternity. Might as well stick with what you know then.

I know this is a horribly depressing post. But I also know that a large number of you faithful readers have been in the dark pit of depression yourselves. Not talking or writing about it in such gory detail hasn't helped so far, so I haven't got much to lose by explaining my little existential crisis. Besides, every time I try to talk to my real life friends about this they just get too sad and uncomfortable. I don't have to look at your faces when you read this.

So I have been trying to find tiny ways to make awfulness more palatable than nothingness. Happy girl movies help some, I watched both the Sisterhood of the traveling Pants and Bend It Like Beckham today. In the next few days the shit is seriously going to hit the fan here and how I get through it is entirely a matter of luck. Wish me luck. I need it now more than ever.

ETA: I once heard someone describe people like this- depressed people aren't overly pessimistic, they are realists. Their problem is that they see the world exactly how it is, flaws, hopelessness, randomness and all. Happy people are the ones who live in a fantasy of overly optimistic creation. Now if only I could create my own little optimistic paradise. But I'm way to much of a realist for all that shit.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

going down


You know, I wouldn't want to be Howard Deam or Nancy Pelosi or Donna Brazile right about now. I mean seriously, I can just see them wringing their hands and sighing while looking at the latest polls. I can just see Howard Dean letting out a Dean scream and following it with :
*dials on his phone*
Dean: "Goddamn Barack, what in the HELL are you thinking? I went through all that trouble to hide your faults, falsify results and steal delegates for you and now this?"
( This being the fact that McCain leads him by 5% or so in the Zogby/Reuters polls.)

Obama: "Howard, how very lovely to hear from you. What? I have no idea what you're talking about"

Dean: "The polls, idiot, the polls!!!!!!!!!! *Dean scream* McCain is ahead of you!!! What are you doing?"
Obama: "Howard, I'm sure I don't understand. What ARE you saying?"
Dean: "*Dean scream* have you seen the Zogby poll for today?"
Obama: "The what poll? No, I didn't see it, but Axelrod tells me I am 15% ahead as usual. The poll hasn't moved for months"
Dean: " *long sigh* Barack, do you have a computer near you?"
Obama: "Yes, what do you think I'm using to look at my pics, a photo album?"
Dean:" *wipes sweat off brow*, *deep breath*,*swallows 3 painkillers* Barack, do you have internet access on your computer?"
Obama: "I'm not sure, what do I need Internet for? I have all my pictures saved on my computer!... *checks for connection* *mutters under his breath "why is he bothering me? he should call one of the volunteers at the campaign if he needs someone to go on the Internet for him" *mutter mutter*"
Obama: " Howard? I think I have Internet. have you seen how beautiful my website is?"
Dean:" "sighs again, resigned* Barack, go to"
Obama: " what is that, a fansite? For me? Oh Howie, you didn't have to! *smiles happily*"
Dean: "*picks himself offthe floor, takes deep breath, calms himself down* Barack, did you go to"
Obama: "yes...*scratches head*... Howard, what is this? It says McCain is ahead of me in polls!!!! How can this be??????????? *drops phone, runs screaming across the room*.

Axelrod: " * comes in, takes phone" Howard? what is wrong with you? You made him cry and now he's gonna have puffy eyes tomorrow! Are you mad??????"
Dean: " He's behind McCain 5 points * resigned voice, hand on heart*"
Axelrod: "Nonsense! He's been ahead by 15% for months! *stares at computer screen, jaw dropping*
Axelrod:"*yelling* Who is the idiot who forgot to pay Zogby this month!!!!!!!!! Are you insane!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want the person responsible to be flogged!!!!!! "

Volunteer in next room: "Oh shit, I guess they found out".

The End

Deep Thoughts

I've had a raging migraine for about 4 days straight now. I blame barometric pressure. We're having real storms here, not our usual drizzle. That's a giant reason for my migraines. When I lived in the south I could tell when thunderstorms were coming long before they ever appeared. I think a hurricane could give me an aneurysm.

Moving on..........

I've been thinking much about the role of government vs. charity. And I may be about to shoot myself in the ass since I have been so reliant on the kindness of stranger's paypal donations these last few months, but I believe that charity makes government non-responsive to the needs of the people. I mean why have a non-discriminatory system of services available to everyone when you can pawn the the work off onto non-profits. For example, would it be better to give money on a case by case basis to the American Red Cross for disasters or to fully fund a decent FEMA program? Is it better to have various patchwork childcare scholarships provided by churches, etc or to have universal preschool? Better to have hospitals such as St. Judes that help sick children regardless of their ability to pay, or universal healthcare that covers everyone?

That is your deep thought for the day.

Oh and rhythmic gymnasts have no bones. Those women are the most bendy people I have ever seen. More bendy than ballerinas even.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

I want to be a pirate

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the ultimate evidence that humanity is going to hell, that modern society has degraded and that, honestly, the sooner it's over with, the better.

IX. If at any time you meet with a prudent Woman, that Man that offers to meddle
with her, without her Consent, shall suffer present Death.
that is an article from the code of Pirate John Phillips, captain of the Revenge. His code was set in 1724.

So, basically, pirates 200 years ago regarded death as ajust punishment for rape. Yeah, I know that it says "honest woman" and I am yet to find any special recommendations regarding prostitutes, but still. Almost 300 years ago, these outcasts had a better idea about how to treat rape than our modern society. Do you know why?

I'll tell you why. Because there were quite a number of women pirates. A lot of them. Some ruled over entire fleets.

Has anyone ever wondered why outcast and outlaw communities are the ones where women florished most? A lot more than in the inaptly named "civilised society"? I'll tell you why: because personal valour is a lot better to manifest itself in places where dumb rules don't apply.

So maybe the best way to achieve equality is to abolish civilised society. that works for me, because civilised society sucks bollox

Monday, August 18, 2008

Dear Darra Torres:

You are fucking awesome. No doubt about it.

But in further proof of my ginormous rant that gets certain sections of mommies all pissy- I am immensely fucking tired of every damn story about having a line about how your real most important job is not swimming, but mommying.

Seriously, you are an incredible human science experiment on what the wonders of proper care and training can do to the body. But we women of the world who might look up to you can never ever be allowed for one fucking second to forget that what sprung from your loins is more important than how you perform (excellently, incredibly, awesomely) in your chosen profession.

Now I am 100% sure that you are not the only Olympic athlete to have kids. Why look at our men's basketball team. How many of them have children? But no one would ever say to Kobe Bryant that his most important job is being a dad. Nooooooooooooooooooooo. He's not supposed to hide his desires and talent under the parenting umbrella.

So forgive me, Ms. Torres, if every time I see a profile of you I want to stab out my eyes when they get to mushy mommy crap. It's not you. And I know that you are worth so much more than that.