There's a hot rock of fear where my belly used to be

I had forgotten about the hot rock of worry. It's amazing, really, that it had gone away at all. But having enough money to provide the basics of a life is probably the single best form of therapy there is for those of us at the very bottom. And then last week it was back. BAM! Right in the gut. If I believed in gods, I would say they were laughing at me for writing about how I was lucky. BAM! No luck for you.

 The company I work for has been sold. My awesome boss, who is a fierce advocate for those she bosses, is going on maternity leave next week. Most of the company has already been moved to a new office, a very long and multiple busses ride away. There's 4 or 5 of us left in the old office and we don't know what will happen to us. Will we be turned into contractors and loose our benefits? Will we be sent to a new office? Will we just loose our jobs? No one knows. And the person best able to fight for us won't be there because she has, admittedly bigger and more important, things to do.

 I priced what getting health insurance from the state's high risk pool would cost me, since I 1) won't be able to afford individual insurance and 2)make too much money either as a contractor or on unemployment to qualify for Medicaid and 3)Have enough pre-existing conditions to sink any health insurance application. It would cost me more that I would get on unemployment. So would Cobra, if I was laid off. But I am in this horrid hamster wheel of awful- I have to work so I have health insurance so I can work so I have health insurance and on and on and on.

The good new is that if I do lose it all, the drugs I need to function will run me about $150 a month. Getting a new prescription would be very difficult, as my doctor's office requires a large deposit for cash patients. And if (when) my current meds stop working I won't have any real way of fixing that. But I'll be able to eek it out for a very short while. And most of Kid's most pressing dental stuff has been handled. He still needs one more crown and 2 wisdom teeth extracted. But I have already run out of money for those things this year. All his other teeth are cleaned and filled and so on.

What really sucks is having exactly no control over this. Short of updating my resume (done, the night I found out actually) and daily scanning of the Craigslist job section, I have no control in this situation. But it could be worse. You all, if you've a few bucks to share, should send it to Sasha . I've been close to that desperate a time or two (or 12). I've been lucky to have found some other way to stave off the desperation just one more day, and one more day after that. I am sure the hot rock of fear is in her belly too.