Wednesday, January 19, 2011

it's time for an oversharing girl parts post

cause we haven't done one in a really long time.

Dear uterus:

Fuck you. Every month, even though I schedule it on my god damn phone so that I know it's coming, you manage to surprise me with the depth of your evil. Every month I refuse to believe the symptoms I have are PMS and not some new global virus. Who the fuckity fuck gets fever/chills, nausea, all over muscle aches, migraines, etc as part of PMS? Really, fevers? Come on. I could understand bitchy, moody, uterine crampy, even migraines. But fevers and nausea.**** How the hell will I know when I'm getting an actual flu if the symptoms are so fucking similar to the monthly communist invasion?

You cost me a minimum of a week of productivity every damned time you show up, not to mention the ruined sheets. I hate you. Really, truly, from the bottom of my heart I loath you with the fiery passion of a thousand burning suns.

Just tell me, is this some sort of karmic payback for having exactly one contraction with the Kid and skipping the whole labor and delivery shit? So now I get to spend some time every month going through the whole major cramping thing just so I haven't missed out on that little experience? Or is it comeuppance for having no pimples and nice boobs in high school?

Just keep pressing your luck uterus, and I see a hysterectomy in your future. I have no problem with sending you off to the medical waste bin.


****Does anyone else have this problem? It seems so weird to have a fever because your body is doing what it is supposed to do.

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