Oh how I hate the fundies!

A few weeks ago The Stranger ran an article on how you can fuck with Focus On The Family and James Dobson by ordering their books for free. And order I did. Saturday night, when it became apparent that none of us were watching the movie because we were to busy talking and drinking and chain-smoking on my last night of nicotine happiness, I pulled out the books and we all had a huge laugh, followed by several of the books getting chucked across the room so hard I thought the drywall might be damaged. But I think Satan was protecting my drywall cause it's all good today. (wow- no nicotine equals run on sentences, who knew)

Since I am in the nicotineless mood to kick some ass- I am going to give you some choice quotes from one of the books.

and the Bride Wore White: Seven Secrets to Sexual Purity

"Are you a styrofoam cup, a ceramic mug or a princess teacup?" I don't know about you all, but I am pretty sure I'm a human being and not an empty vessel used to hold hot beverages.

"This chapter is for the brave and daring. It's about respecting the great weakness God has created in guys". Huh? Great weakness that God created only in guys- prostate cancer perhaps? Oh wait, they mean a sex drive. Did you know that only men have a sex drive? I guess there must be something wrong with all us randy girls, maybe we've been possessed by Satan? And did you know that a sex drive, which all animals have in order to reproduce, is only a weakness in human males. So God created something helpful in animals but it's a weakness in people.

"So you're dressed and ready to go. Where should you go? A princess should always stay within the confines of her own kingdom where she is safely guarded under the watchful eye of her public". American Taliban- at your service. The section on dressing is all about how if it makes you feel sexy then it's wrong wrong wrong. I am waiting for them to suggest burkas.

"Your father can fill that special guy-shaped hole" I shit you not. This is actually a bolded section heading. This is where the book got tossed. But not before we come to the chapter entitled...

"Not you again Satan!"

Next time I'll get into the book where they tell wives how to handle their brooding , complicated husbands by submission. Cause you know, men are complicated creatures that us silly, frivolous girls will never understand without a book and a preacher to guide us.