Thursday, March 05, 2009

The pot that boils over

First- thanks to everyone for their kind words yesterday. It helps.

But I am a wee bit of a fraud. I know that the Kid needs to know his dad on his own terms, but......

I had forgotten how angry I am at his father. And there are so many horrible things that I can't tell the kid about that are dangerous, terrifying, unspeakable. Things I have never even told a therapist. Those dark little secrets that we push to the back of our mind and try to pretend never happened, try to talk ourselves out of admitting. And it's all rushing back right now, boiling up so that it takes every ounce of energy to contain it. And I'm failing to contain it. Vicious little remarks about the Kid's dad keep escaping my lips, and the Kid is avoiding the topic cause I'm pretty sure he can sense that his mom is about to blow. Just typing these two tiny paragraphs has taken forever. I have to pause and dig my nails into my palms to keep from sobbing or screaming at my desk.

So how do I let the Kid make his own choice when every fiber of my being is screaming "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"? I don't think the Asshat would hurt the Kid in the same ways he has hurt me. I think he would stick to simple neglect with the Kid, while I got the violence and the stalking and the stuff I can't talk about. But how can he really know his father without knowing that? Ughhhhh. Most of me wants to grab the kid and take a whatever bus is at greyhound right now and leave, which is exactly what I did 12 years ago after being stalked by the asshat for almost a year.

Anyways, that's the state of mind I'm in right now. And since i have always been proactive when it comes to this shit I have an appointment first thing Monday to find a therapist who specializes in domestic violence trauma.

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