Every woman has an eating disorder

A little while ago a friend and I were comparing our high school eating disorders. I was an exercise addict. I worked out about four hours a day and lived on saltines, water and salads. I was also sick (bronchitis, pneumonia, etc) and injured (broken ankle, torn meniscus in both knees, torn hamstrings) for almost 4 years straight.

She was bulimic. I had wished I could be bulimic because I could have eaten whatever I wanted and not spent so many fucking hours of my life working out. She then told me about throwing up in her sleep. I don't want her eating disorder anymore.

But I do wonder, if we hadn't spent so much time starving ourselves, how much thinner would we be now? Every time I lose weight, I gain back double. If I had just been happy weighing 140 in high school instead of trying to starve myself down to 112, or been happy at 160 instead of trying to starve myself down to 130, or (you get the idea- it just goes on from there).

And then I read this article and had one of those moments when your head just fucking explodes with understanding. 1600 calories a day and 3 miles of walking is way more food and less exercise than I get when I diet. It's more like 1000 calories and 6 miles of walking, plus pilates, plus bellydancing, plus aerobics.

I have another friend who is freaking out because she went over the 300lb point. She's gorgeous and one of the kindest people on the planet. So she started weight watchers. I was not exactly supportive. Instead of doing the normal "good for you for trying to get healthy", I said "You know you're just going to gain back more later".

Last night, she and I went out for shopping and dinner. She has given up weight watchers for the moment, but I can tell that she is not yet there about being okay with herself. She wants to lose weight cause her knees hurt. I told her it might be a better idea to work on strengthening her calf and thigh muscles so there is less pressure on her knees to hold her up.

What I also need to do is send her this article, with this passage bolded and highlighted and written in shocking neon so there is no way she can miss it.

The extreme physical and mental effects Dr. Keys observed led to his famous quote: “Starved people cannot be taught democracy. To talk about the will of the people when you aren’t feeding them is perfect hogwash.” This was also what led early feminist activists to see dieting and weight concerns as a way to keep women preoccupied with food, filled with guilt and self-hatred, more easily influenced by others, and too mentally and physically exhausted to succeed professionally and politically.

I had another discussion with a friend last weekend about size. She had been very fat when she was younger but is now a skinny little thing. She said she likes being small because she likes not taking up too much space. I say I like being large because I like being here, very here, undissmissably here. Gone is the teenage girl who tried to starve herself into disappearing. I like that I am not a little girl, that my size makes me more of a threat to guys than I was when I was starving and that I am not too mentally or physically exhausted to meet any challenge.